words and images

christmas eve - 1999

page 3

And so it came to pass that as the Suzhou saloon keepers were tending their bars by night, three wise-asses appeared from the East (well, one was from the west) bearing gifts (actually cheap trinkets purchased at the night market).

the night before christmas

with chuck in da house!

Twas the day before Christmas and all through Suzhou
The people prepared for the parties they'd throw.

I scoured the city with May, for a suit
A red jacket and trousers, a beard and some boots.

When what to our wondering eyes should appear?
But a Santa Claus outfit with which to spread cheer.

We bargained and bargained and bargained again.
Got a Santa Claus outfit for less than a ten. ($)

So I, in my red suit, and Kat in her leather,
and May as my sidekick, we braved the cold weather

To the bars, to the discos, to the  streets, we did go
As we wandered this "paradise" that's known as Suzhou.

On the night before Christmas all proclaimed at our sight:
"Merry Christmas to you!".....Hey! We had a fine night.

May, Katrina and I ventured forth on Christmas Eve 1999 through the city of Suzhou. Earlier in the day, May had located a shop in Suzhou which had a complete, albeit pretty shabby, Santa Claus outfit. I figured I could rent it for the evening but when the price to buy it turned out to be about 1/2 what I expected to RENT it for, I bargained them down a little further and purchased it. (I can now re-create Christmas Eve each year in China!)

May yanks Santa's beard

So, we headed out : Old Man Christmas (no, not me- that's how they translate Santa Claus into Chinese and then back into English again), Katrina, May and two other elves. Our sled stopped at most of the non-"bad-girl" watering holes up and down Shi Quan Street in Suzhou where we dispensed candy and trinkets to the patrons and barhelp. And we rested to play a few games of pool before continuing on our appointed rounds.

Number One Elf Katrina chalks her cue
while two sub-elves plot their next move.

Interestingly enough, while we were dispensing all this good will, every foreigner we met offered to buy us beers- but not a single Chinese did despite the fact that I was carrying a big bag of "goodies" (candy and trinkets) and liberally handing them out to all the Chinese customers.

Southern Chinese are well -known around China for being supreme 小气鬼. Never was it more apparent than on Christmas Eve when no Suzhou person offered to buy Santa or his helpers a beer。 (Imagine that happening in America! I don't think so!) Yet they clawed and begged for the candy and trinkets from our bag of goodies and pleaded with us to take pictures with them (on my camera!). 小气鬼 Xiao Qi Gui!!!! (cheapskates!!!!)

There is an analogy here to be learned about China today as it claws and begs for western aid, know-how and technology, while offering little or nothing in exchange ..... but I digress.

On we went, round and round Suzhou, up and down the streets encountering all manner of folks: young and old, rich and poor, good and bad, long and short-nosed. All received our good cheer - after having a good laugh at our expense.

Twice we happened upon other Santa's on the street - both of them Chinese so, of course we stopped to take pictures.

Twin Sons of Different Mothers-Twice

Naughty and Nice

Santa was fair
He didn't think twice.
He handed out gifts
to the naughty and nice.

i drink budweiser for one night only

Eventually we ended up at our favorite haunt, the Indian Pub. As luck would have it, (my luck, as you'll see in a moment).

Budweiser was sponsoring a Christmas Eve party and was giving away an odd assortment of gifts. For each Bud that you ordered, you got a raffle ticket. This is a common promotion in Suzhou as it is sure to pack the bars since they are giving away free things (again, southern Chinese are the cheapskates of the UNIVERSE!). Tonight's grand prize was a microwave oven. Most of the assembled had been sitting there drinking Bud for hours accumulating dozens of raffle tickets. Here came Santa and his helpers quite late to the fray.

Despite the fact that I hate Budweiser, the staff at the Indian Pub told me, "Chuck, buy two rounds of Bud for you and your elves."

Then they winked at me. I knew, that they knew, that I hate Bud. But I also knew, that they knew, that I had been living in a kitchenless hotel room for the last 6 months and so I caught their drift. I ordered two well-deserved rounds for Santa and the Elves.

Meanwhile, another American guy, Kurt from Pittsburgh (and a Penn State alum, to boot........grrrrr) had been sitting there all night with his girlfriend and had accumulated a score of tickets. He winked at me and said, "Hey buddy, guess who's gonna win the microwave. My girlfriend is friends with the barmaid. Y'uns haven't a chance!" Typical Pittsburgh. (If you're from Cleveland by way of Notre Dame, you'll understand. If not, nevermind.)

Anyway, fifteen minutes later, the beautiful Budweiser Girl was pulling the raffle tickets and awarding keychains and lighters and junk to the early winners (of which Katrina and May both won) while Kurt and I sat there silently wondering who had more Guanxi (connections). And then came the final ticket for the microwave.

 To find out who won the the battle of the Microwave, you must click here.  (but be sure to come back to finish the story).

After that, at the request of the elves, Santa Chuck peeled off his suit (yes, he was otherwise clothed underneath it all) so they could try it on and pose for well-earned pictures.

Santa's Three Cross-Dressing Elves - Left to Right: Santa May, Santa Kat, Santa Elf (with urchin)

At this,  there was a furious scramble as various strangers scrambled to don the gay apparel so that they could pose for pictures of themselves dressed like fools. I'll spare you the details and the photos; suffice it to say that a bunch of drunk Chinese cheapskates nearly caused a stampede in their quest for foolishness. 

And the fool, formerly known as Santa Chuck, sat back and ordered a Heineken and, together with May and Katrina, savored the interesting, rewarding and fruitful evening that was Christmas Eve Suzhou 1999.

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 Click here to learn the winner of the Great Microwave Giveaway